


They gave me a test (to make me the best that I could be)

by Brain_Brainson



Series: Luther Whump [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Manipulation, Gen, Hurt, Robots, Suicide, but also as part of training?, but in a light way?, but it's part of training
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 20:14:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19116913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brain_Brainson/pseuds/Brain_Brainson
Summary: She’s blinking.Last time she wasn’t blinking.Luther feels like throwing up.





	They gave me a test (to make me the best that I could be)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm am not 100% in love with this but I wanted to wrap it up and publish it now before I never do it. 
> 
> Just some nice Luther Angst about his training sessions with Reginald. 
> 
> Please enjoy!

She’s blinking. 

Last time she wasn’t blinking. 

Last time she was standing in front of him, a perfect copy, not a hair out of place, and all he could focus on was the fact that she wasn’t blinking, eyes boring into his in an unsettling way. 

He had killed her in less than a second, had thrown her against the wall hard enough it was guaranteed she wouldn’t get up again. Ever. 

But now? Now she is pleading with him, clutching the sleeve of his arm, and her eyes open and close, brows furrowing as tears catch in her lashes. 

Luther feels like throwing up. 

* * *

_ “I-I can’t, why would I-” _

_ “Hush, Number One. Don’t ask why; just do what I tell you to. _

_ I thought you’d wanted to be a good Leader?” _

* * *

__

(Maybe -  _ Surely _ \- Dad had caught up with his eagerness last time, had understood that Luther had found something not human, something alien to cling too, to make this a game rather than torture. 

If so, Dad must’ve noticed by himself. Luther hadn’t said anything.)

~~He’d started watching his mouth around his father a long time ago.~~  


* * *

“What are you waiting for, Number One?” Dad’s voice clatters through the speakers and Luther knows that Dad is watching him through the glass, gauging his reaction. Taking notes. 

“Eliminate her.” 

“No, no, please!” Vanya - no, not quite Vanya, this  _ can’t _ be Vanya, not the real Vanya, Dad would never do that to him-

“Please help me, Luther! You can’t listen to Dad!” Not-Vanya is shaking his shoulders and her eyes are wide and full of terror and Luther doesn’t know what to do. 

He  _ knows _ that she is just a robot, has known it since his training started and Dad had presented him with the mission to spare with Diego - a Diego Luther thought to be real at first.

 

* * *

_ “Kill him.” _

_ Luther looks at Diego, at where he’s got him pinned to the ground; the end of a normal sparring session. The words take a while to really register in his head.  _

_ “What?” _

* * *

__

He has a hard time being close to his siblings. After…. _ after. _

He just can’t shake all the memories, the knowledge that he has done horrendous things to them, things they don’t know of. 

He wonders if everyone’s solo training is like this. They don’t talk about it. 

He doesn’t ask. 

* * *

_ “You seem strangely happy, Number One. Relieved.” _

_ “It wasn’t real.” _

_ Dad raises one brow, careful to not jostle his monocle.  _

_ “How do you know?” _

* * *

Robots don’t bleed. 

There aren’t any fluids involved when you kill a robot, nothing you could even pretend is blood. 

There are only wires and the buzzing of electricity as the robot slowly shuts down.

* * *

_ He rips off Diego’s arm - tears it right from his body in a clean cut, the sheer force of the movement sending him spinning.  _

_ He is crying - had been crying ever since the training - the real training - started. Sparring had only been a trap, something to lure him into a false sense of security, make him think he is in control.  _

_ But in the end it’s always Dad who calls the shots, no matter what Luther likes to believe.  _

_ “There’s always reason behind my orders, Number One,” Dad says, and Luther can see himself reflected in Dad’s monocle, his hunched over form, clutching his brother’s arm.  _

_ He drops it.  _

_ “As the Leader you have to be able to make decisions that would go against your own instincts. Make ‘Tough Calls’ so to speak.” _

_ Dad points over to where Diego - not Diego - is laying, floor suspiciously void of any blood. _

_ “As Leader you always have to put the mission first. Above everything else. Everything. Did I make myself clear, Number One?” _

_ The relief that washes over him nearly has him going to his knees. Real people  _ **_bleed._ **

_ Diego would bleed.  _

_ He nearly starts laughing, tears catching on his smile.  _

_ “Yes, Dad.” _

* * *

But if robots don’t bleed, then they shouldn’t be crying either and still Vanya -  _ not _ Vanya - is standing in front of him and the tears running down her face leave wet streaks in their wake. 

_ This is not real. _

Vanya is crying so hard she starts hiccuping, words nearly inaudible. 

“Why- why would you  _ do _ this? Do you-,” she wipes her nose on her hand, puts it back on his arm, holds on tight enough to bruise him, “do you hate me so much?”

Luther’s crying too, vision swimming. Vanya is a shapeless figure, all he can make out is the brown of her hair. 

“I don’t hate you,” he whispers, but it’s so soft, she probably doesn’t hear him. 

* * *

_ “One of them is a spy. They betrayed the team, they betrayed humanity by collaborating with the enemy. They need to be eliminated. What do you do?” _

_ Luther looks from Ben huddled in a corner to Allison, who’s standing in the middle of the room, facing him.  _

_ “It’s not me,” she says, like it’s obvious. She even rolls her eyes like the real Allison would do whenever Luther says something stupid. His hand twitches.  _

_ He looks to Ben, but Ben doesn’t talk, only whimpers and presses himself closer to the wall.  _

_ “You need to do something, Number One. Now. Before the spy ends up killing you or tries to escape with the vital information they possess.” Dad’s voice sounds like it’s from far away, tinny.  _

_ “Make your choice, Number One.” _

_ Allison smiles at him, the smile that makes his insides turn to goo. Ben doesn’t look at him, only stares at his hands and it feels like the decision has already been made, like Ben already knows what Luther will do.  _

_ Luther takes in a deep breath.  _

_ “I take out Allison,” he says and he watches as her face falls.  _

_ The cracking of the speakers. “What are you waiting for, then? Eliminate her, Number One. Eliminate the Traitor.” _

* * *

__

“Then  _ help _ me.” Vanya is looking up at him, and he’s hit with the realization that this is his baby sister, the one he used to carry to bed when she was too tired to stand on her own. 

Still sometimes does. 

“You’re my brother!” It’s an accusation rather than an exclamation and Vanya pushes at his chest, tiny hands curled into fists. Luther barely registers it. 

* * *

_ When it’s done - when Allison is laying on the ground, head hanging from her shoulders at an awkward angle and Luther feels like he can breathe again, checking for blood that isn’t coming - he looks over to Ben.  _

_ Ben, who’s standing up, facing him, shoulders pushed back and a grin on his face that Luther has never seen before.  _

_ “Wrong answer,” Ben says.  _

_ That’s the moment Allison’s nose starts bleeding.  _

* * *

__

“You’re my brother!” Vanya repeats and it sounds even angrier now, fists pounding insistently. 

Luther catches her wrists, forces her to stop. Forces her to look at him. 

“I’m your brother,” he agrees. Vanya smiles at him, a shy smile. Her face is still wet, her nose running. 

“I’m your brother, but I’m also the Leader,” he says. He squeezes her wrists, tight enough to make it hurt. Vanya squirms. 

“And this is a mission.”

* * *

_ Dad calls off the simulation the moment Luther loses it. Has him dragged out by Grace before he splits his head open, banging it against the wall.  _

_ Luther only stops screaming when he sees Allison - the real Allison, standing in her doorway, watching as Grace carries him past and to the infirmary. Ben is looking over her shoulder. _

**_‘But only real people are supposed to bleed.’_ **

_ “There, there, Darling.” Grace brushes over his head, smiling at him. Luther wonders what would happen if he would tear into her skin, rip it open to reveal all the wires underneath.  _

_ What makes her different from all those simulations? _

_ He flinches away from her touch. Grace only keeps smiling, settling her hand in her lap without a hitch.  _

_ (When they pick up his solo training again, the nightmares are nearly gone). _

* * *

__

There’s no fight because Vanya doesn’t have any powers. Can’t defend herself. 

It’s the easiest session so far and yet the most painful. There was no fight, no pretense of self defense. Only Dad’s cold voice giving an order Number One is supposed to follow. 

Luther can hear the bones crack as he hugs Vanya, tight enough to break her spine. Kill her. 

Clean and efficient. 

When he lets her go, she falls to the floor like a puppet, head bouncing back for a moment before lolling to the side. Her eyes are open. 

* * *

_ “Your decision would have been wrong either way, Number One,” Dad says when they meet in his office. Evaluation.  _

_ “There was no way to tell who had been the traitor, no additional information you had. Only your gut feeling and your willingness to kill one over the other.” _

_ Luther flinches at the words but doesn’t break eye contact. Keeps listening intently.  _

_ Dad keeps going. “If I were to ask you again now, make you decide between the two of them, would you be able to give me the right answer?” _

_ Luther thinks of Ben’s smile and Allison’s laugh. The way the two of them sometimes put their heads close, gossiping. His heart clenches but he nods.  _

_ “Both,” he says. “I would kill both. To make sure I get the traitor either way.” _

_ Dad raises his chin in acknowledgement. He’s pleased. “Good, Number One. Right Answer.” _

_ For once in his life, Luther doesn’t feel any pride over the praise.  _

* * *

__

Luther kneels down next to Vanya, knees next to her head, careful not to step on her hair. 

He wants to lay her head in his lap, brush over her cheek, tug a strand of hair behind her ear. He wants to scream, wants to cry. 

Most of all, he wants to beg, wants to plead with her to forgive him. 

_ This is not real.  _

* * *

Sometimes, when the thoughts hiding in the dark parts of his mind slip out into his room, form shadows clinging to the ceiling and the walls, crawling towards him like an animal pouncing its prey, yes, at those times, he wonders. 

Wonders how many times a heart can break before shattering completely. 

* * *

“Well done, Number One.” Dad is standing behind him, looking down at him still on his knees. 

If he were another kind of Father, the kind of Father Luther sometimes wishes he would be, maybe he would put his hand on Luther’s shoulder. Squeeze it, show some kind of support. 

But he isn’t so he doesn’t, only stands there, watching Luther watch Vanya. If Luther were to lean back, he could surely touch him. 

It feels like he’s miles away. 

* * *

(Once the shadows have reached him, he knows the answer. 

There’s no breaking point if there never was a heart in the first place).

 

* * *

 

“Don’t you wanna know why I ordered you to kill Number Seven, Number One?”

Luther would know that if he were to check - were brave enough to graze the pale skin on Vanya’s arm, drag his nails down hard like Allison does in training - blood would well up. 

Red gushing out of the wound, pulsating to the beat of an artificial heart, screaming his guilt to the world. 

Dad doesn’t make the same mistake twice. 

“Answer me, Number One.”

Luther looks up at his Father. 

“Does it matter?”

* * *

_ Diego - the real Diego - is screaming at him, angry enough his whole head is turning red.  _

_ “Do you ever think for yourself? No! You only ever follow Dad’s orders.” _

_ Diego scoffs.  _

_ “What a good soldier you are.” _

* * *

__

Dad nods, a hard movement. There’s nothing soft about him, never was. 

Luther supposes there’s nothing soft about him either. 

“Fine.”

Then: “Congratulations, Number One. You are ready to access the next step in your training.”

Luther doesn’t know yet what that means. 

Isn’t familiar with the feeling of cold metal pressing against his temple, shaking fingers slipping off the trigger before gripping it tighter. 

Hasn’t memorised the way his stomach clenched at the thought  _ ‘This isn’t so bad’ _ , acid crawling up his throat and filling his mouth. 

 

* * *

 

_ “Oh my!” Grace says, rubbing a towel over Luther’s head. She’s trying to get the colour out, the burning red splashes from the blanks bleeding into his hair.  _

_ “You boys should really stop playing this roughly. Where did you even get the colour?” _

_ Luther looks at his fingers.  _

_ “I’m sorry, Mum. It won’t happen again.” _

~~_ It’s a lie. _ ~~

* * *

__

_ “Where are we going, Dad?”  _

_ Luther walks behind his Father down the corridor. He is excited, steps bouncing, trying hard not to accidentally walk into Dad’s heels. _

_ It’s the first time he is summoned for one on one training.  _

_ “You will see, Number One. Don’t be impatient.” _

_ Luther nods, even though Dad can’t see it.  _

_ They stop in front of a door, one Luther doesn’t remember ever seeing before. Then again, they’re not allowed in the basement, under no circumstances.  _

_ Dad opens it and gestures for him to step inside. Luther looks at him.  _

_ “Aren’t you coming too?” _

_ “I will watch the proceeding from here; there’s no need to be inside with you. Now go on, Number One: Don’t you want to excel at training?” _

_ Dad looks down at him and the light reflects in his monocle. Luther can see himself in it; he tries to look as determined as possible as he answers.  _

_ “Of course, Dad. I won’t disappoint you.” _

__  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Like I said, not totally in love with how this turned out but I hope you enjoyed anyway! Please leave a comment telling me what you thought!


End file.
